The Last Lecture

Sometimes I lose my patience with my kids. Sometimes I give my husband "The Look" when I don't think he is helping enough. Sometimes I even go to bed angry despite being told by my elders that you should never do that. Yet, sometimes it takes a perfect stranger to startle you into understand how silly those actions can be.

A few months ago I had heard about this man named Randy Pausch who had delivered a "Last Lecture" to his colleagues at Carnegie Mellon after being diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. He became an Internet phenom and eventually a television celebrity as well. Mom even lent me his book that was published after the lecture.

Last week, Randy Pausch died.

I am not sure why his death struck me the way it did. I didn't know him personally. I had only heard his story on the news and talk shows. After hearing of his death, I decided to read his book that I had been putting off for quite some time. All I can say is "Wow!" I am not saying "Wow" about the book per se, I am interjecting that phrase because I am impressed with who he was as a person.


As I finished some of the chapters, I would close the book with tears threatening to spill down my cheeks. My belly and chest would tighten. I felt connected to his message. Pausch's death has put me in an emotionally vulnerable spiral similar to PMS. Every little thing completely sets me off.

Today in church, this beautiful little girl was baptized. I couldn't speak, sing, or anything. I was stifling an outright sob. When Jeff and Emily were here, just thinking about them having a little baby was creating such absolute joy that my emotions again were crazily vacillating. And recently, I look at the boys sometimes when they don't know that I am looking, and I choke up at the thought of how amazing they are as little people.

Pausch had such a positive outtake on life. He approached life with the idea that everyone is either a Tigger or an Eeyore. I love that! I don't want to ever be perceived as an Eeyore, yet it is so easy to slip into that personae with stress and screaming boys. Pausch also quipped amazing advice that I actually bookmarked areas in the book that I can reread to use in my life. Even facing certain death, he found a way to uplift those he cared about. One idea he had for his children was to leave a memory of what he dreamed for them. I thought I would do the same today for my children.

For Andrew I dream that one day he will learn to show his emotions more. Andrew gets frustrated and benefits from talking it out with someone. I dream that Andrew will pursue his true passion without settling for anything. I dream that he knows pure happiness.

For Brendan I dream that one day he will understand his true capabilities and embrace them. I dream that he never loses his humor and doesn't take himself too seriously. I dream that he is always a Tigger; he loves to bounce!

For Evan I dream that one day he will understand completely who he is aside from his brothers. I dream that he keeps the confidence he currently possesses and excels like I know he can and will.

Most of all, I dream that I will be given more fortunate luck than Randy Pausch with my longevity. I thank him, however, for the insight. I will continue to work towards being a constant Tigger and better appreciating the present.